I’m so entitled, I shouldn’t even have to title this.

This piece is entirely satirical and in no way reflects my feelings about the Phoenix Zoo. In fact, the Phoenix Zoo is an awesome place, and I have had nothing but great experiences there. I highly recommend purchasing a yearly membership–you will be happy you did! Unless you’re a miserable, horrible person like the asshole that wrote this…

————-

Dear Phoenix Zoo,

Last week my family and I visited your zoo with a free pass from the library, and I am writing to express my immense disappointment. #wtfphoenixzoo

Thanks to your inconsiderate orangutans who repeatedly ignored my requests to approach the glass for a family selfie, my Instagram followers missed out on their hourly peek into what it’s like to have a perfect life. I hope you’re happy.

Please be more thoughtful in planning your animals’ nap schedule. The mountain lion slept through my children generously throwing popcorn at it, and the ocelot didn’t even twitch when I repeatedly slammed my jogging stroller against its glass enclosure.

Your concession stands and snack bars are grossly unprepared for my family’s dietary needs. Have you never heard of chia seed pudding?

Since the “Mexican gray wolves” completely ignored my daughter’s perfectly executed howling, I suspect that one or more of the following is true: A. They only speak Mexican or B. They’re just a pack of inbred huskies. Or maybe they’re deaf. No matter what, I’m going to destroy them on social media. #deportthemexicanwolves

I was sneezed on by a man who had come from the Africa trail. Now I probably have Ebola, malaria and probably sickle cell anemia. Where are your safeguards against this?

I performed a flawless Zumba-inspired rendition of Hakuna Matata for the meerkats but received no response. They’re probably depressed since you ignorantly segregated them from their best friends, the warthogs.

It was windy and I got a leaf in my eye.

I just can’t with your giftshop. Your selection of “personalized name plates” was PATHETIC. What are my kids Quinlyn, Jaxxsin and, Xoeigh going to do? And speaking of little Jaxxsin, is a simple ivory chew toy too much to ask for? Good GOD. Clearly you have access to ivory but are too greedy to share. #wtfphoenixzoo

Your zoo is simply too big. My children all fell asleep in the stroller after an hour and missed out on seeing all the animals. I, however, was not provided a stroller and stroller-pusher so that I could nap. I’m pretty sure that’s ageism, by the way.

I’ll have you know that being a full time mom is the hardest job in the world. But clearly you don’t know anything about working hard, since your zoo is a complete JOKE.

Given the abuses my family endured at your zoo, I expect you will compensate us handsomely for our pain and suffering. I expect a complementary premium zoo membership in the mail by the end of the week.

Cordially,

Angelic Brownstain

A taxpaying US citizen

P.S. The giant tortoise was unreasonably slow. I think you drugged him.

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3 comments

  1. I love this, Robbie — and I’m glad for the disclaimer at the top. For one thing, I like the zoo too, and would not want to see it maligned, but also I would hate for people to think you’re this much of a bitch!

    1. As someone who is almost always positive, grateful and appreciative, I figured for this piece I’d pretend to be the opposite. I must say it came startlingly naturally to me… But for now, I’ll keep my Angelic Brownstain locked up somewhere in my dark side.

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