Oh, f*ck! My thoughts on swearing.

Warning: In this post I freely and openly explore the concept of profanity.  If you are offended by this, check back next week!

 

Miss Suzie had a steamboat

The steamboat had a bell (ding! ding!)

Miss Suzie went to heaven

The steamboat went to HELL-

 -O operator…

Saying bad words can be fun. Cathartic. Offensive. Funny. Disrespectful.  Let’s talk about it!

I must admit, I swear more than I should. Stub my toe? FUCK! Accidentally put too much pepper in the soup? SHIT!  Sometimes I don’t even notice the words coming out.

Not too long ago Simon, Ellis and I were shopping at Trader Joe’s, and Ellis went straight to grab a mini shopping cart to push around. As he barreled past, the tall stick attached to his cart smacked me in the face without warning, knocking off my glasses.  Without thinking I instinctively blurted out FUCK! to the shock and horror of all the families standing nearby.  Simon looked back at me with a face that said “seriously, Robbie?” Embarrassed and ashamed, all I could do was smile awkwardly and try to remove myself from the situation while mouthing “I’m sorry!”

As a father, I have reflected frequently on profanity’s role in society, the family, and the individual. But at this point, I’m still full of questions about how to address the subject with my son.  Obviously I don’t want him dropping F-bombs around the playground, but does it make sense to try to censor all profanity from his world to prevent that?   If a great song has one or two bad words, do I really need to eliminate it from our playlists or do we resort to doing “earmuffs” while Ellis is around?  Won’t he hear that stuff in school anyway?  Can I say “crap” instead of “shit,” or is that bad too? At what age is it acceptable for a kid to say “that sucks” or call someone an “ass?”  Is there a place for milder versions of bad words or should all profanity be prohibited?  I really don’t know, and I’m on my journey to find out.

Earmuffs!

From the start of spoken language, humans have had words that were considered offensive, disrespectful or blasphemous.  From nasty words for body parts to saying G*d’s name in vain, all languages have an immense arsenal of offensive words. But what makes a word “bad”?  After all, it’s just a word!

While offensive to some, bad words can be hilarious.  Consider the immensely popular “children’s book” entitled Go the Fuck to Sleep.  It is a New York Times best seller and a total crackup. Here’s a page from the book.

Or how about the delightfully uncouth “censored” version of Disney’s Frozen.  Featured on Jimmy Kimmel, this video censors innocuous words from the film, letting our dirty minds fill in the blanks.  There are also “censored” versions of Sesame Street, Barney and others.

 

As funny as bad words can be, there’s a time and a place for profanity. It can add humor and expression to a situation.  It can help us express our frustration or pain.  It can also be a tool to spew hatred and negativity. It all depends on who’s talking, who’s listening, and the energy behind the word. But as a general rule: Not in public, not in front of children, and definitely not in front of your teacher.

Once a student of mine was angry and defiant when I told him to remove a black wristband with the word FUCK in bold white letters. “Come on, it’s just a word, who cares!” Clearly lacking his full frontal lobe and desperately pushing the limits for attention, I had to pull him aside to succinctly break it down for him.

When I was a little kid, I had a swearing problem. I’m not sure exactly what I would say, but my profanity was so frequent that my mom started to carry around a bottle of Tabasco sauce to punish me.  Perhaps she chose the wrong discipline technique, because now hot sauce is one of my greatest pleasures in life… So yeah, I wonder why I like to swear so much… Thanks, Mom!

Often children go through a stage where they develop a “potty mouth,” talking constantly about poop, pee, farts, butts, buttholes, etc.  What’s a parent to do?  My mom has a friend who only allows her grandson to use those words in the bathroom, and he often stays in there extra long just to repeat those words without getting in trouble.  To me, it’s not a bad compromise—he’s learning to recognize there is a time and a place for foul language, and he’s letting off some frustration at the same time!  I just hope it doesn’t have a Pavlov’s dog effect and make him angry every time he has to poop.  That would be shitty.

Swearing can be funny because it makes people feel awkward and uncomfortable (not that that is always a good thing).  Children are notorious for getting a laugh out of the forbidden nature of cuss words.  Exhibit A: “the penis game.”  Never played?  Oh, you’ve been missing out! The game consists of people, usually middle-schoolers, taking turns saying the word “penis” louder and louder until one of them gets in trouble or is unwilling to continue.  Go ahead, give it a try today at your public library, bank or place of work!

Derrrr…. Come on, penis isn’t even a bad word.

What about the Pen 15 club?  Don’t you want to become a member? All you have to do is let me write PEN 15 on your hand.  But don’t be surprised later when your dad asks why you have PENIS written on you in black Sharpie. Oh, middle school…

Innocent little Kristy asking a question in Mrs. Kelly’s 8th grade language arts class… She has no idea.

And then there’s the classic rhyme about “Miss Susie” that goes with a hand clapping game.  Kids get a thrill out of almost saying “hell,” “ass,” etc.  I’m pretty sure I started chanting that at age five…

“Miss Susie had a steamboat,
the steamboat had a bell.
Miss Susie went to heaven
and the steamboat went to Hell–

O, operator,
Please give me number nine
And if you disconnect me
I’ll kick your be–

’hind the ’frigerator,
there was a piece of glass
Miss Susie sat upon it
and broke her little

Ask me no more questions,
Tell me no more lies,
The boys are in the bathroom
zipping up their

Flies are in the meadow
The bees are in the park
Miss Susie and her boyfriend
are kissing in the

D-A-R-K
D-A-R-K
D-A-R-K
Dark, dark, dark”

Hee hee hee! Profanity is FUN!

Swearing can be so much fun that it even inspires us to learn how to be offensive in other languages!  Besides, who needs to know how to order food, ask for the restroom or call for help when insulting someone’s mother is so much more useful!

Translating profanity from foreign languages can be a bizarre and perplexing exercise.  For example, who knew calling someone ‘“big goat” (cabrón) in Mexico could incite an aggressive altercation?  The insult goes back to the concept of a “cuckold,” a man who has grown horns because his wife is unfaithful.  The symbolism of the horns is explained here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckold

In Mexican Spanish, even the word madre or “mother” can be vulgar.  Taking it far beyond “yo momma” jokes, Mexicans have so many vulgar expressions containing the word madre that the word itself is often considered profane. If something “smells like mothers” or “huele a madres,” it means it smells like shit. Of if you say “me vale madre,” which literally means “it’s worth a mother to me,” you’re really saying “I don’t give a shit.”  But remember, while madre is vulgar and to be avoided, padre (father) means “cool” or “awesome.” Gotta love the patriarchy!

As a high school Spanish teacher, I had my advanced classes list all the bad words they had heard in Spanish. Then I explained each word without translating them into English.  Don’t call me a bad influence, I am an educator!  After all, no one wants to be the clueless “gringo” smiling obliviously when someone calls them a “pinche puto.”  Knowledge is power, baby.  Knowledge is power.

If you’re uncultured and immature like me, here’s a website full of profane words in foreign languages: http://www.youswear.com/  Go forth, and be a citizen of the world!  And don’t blame me if you get your ass kicked.

Even if you speak the same language as someone, don’t expect to find the same words offensive. Between UK and US English, or Spanish from different Spanish speaking countries, misusing a common word can turn into a hilarious misunderstanding or a situation of gross disrespect. For example, in the UK and Australia, “fanny” is a foul word for vagina.  So please don’t ask where you can purchase a fanny pack while you’re in Melbourne.  At the same time, don’t have a heart attack if a Londoner asks if you have any extra “fags,” because he’s just asking for a cigarette.

Umm… WHAT???

In Spain, the word coger means to grab, pick up, or grasp.  “Coger el telefono” (to pick up the phone) or “coger frutas” (to pick fruit) sound quite different in Latin America, where the word means “to fuck” (sexually).

Instead of using full-fledged profanity, most people, especially around children, use milder versions of these colorful words, called “minced oaths.”

Examples of these euphemisms include darn, gosh, jeez, crap, freaking, etc.  These can be especially fun and creative, like “shut the front door!” or “H-E double hockey sticks!”  My sister is famous her constant and creative usage of the word “fezie,” as in, “What the fezie!” or “Holy fezie!”

Minced oaths even exist in other languages. “Híjole” is an abbreviation of “hijo de puta” or “son of a bitch,” effectively making it the Mexican version of “son of a!”  Similarly, “ostras” meaning “oysters” is a non-offensive version of “Hostia” which comes from the incredibly offensive  Spanish expression “Me cago en la Hostia,” or “I shit on the holy Host.”

When it comes to small children, which words are off-limits?  How does that change depending on age? What about minced oaths? Hearing a kid swear or even “fake” swear can be shocking and embarrassing for the parents.  Even hearing a child say “this sucks” can be unsettling. Or what if they say, “Are you effing serious?” Oh hail no.

So does that mean I can’t say anything remotely naughty?  If I can’t shout “CRAP!” when I stub my toe or say “oh my gosh!” when I’m surprised, what can I say?

I really have no idea what naughty words are acceptable at what age.  Heck, so many minced oaths don’t even seem bad to me anymore.  I guess it’s up to each family to figure that out as they go along.  That’s what parenting is all about.

Clearly we can’t shelter kids forever.  Many tweens and adolescents associate profanity with being more adult and therefore cool (not that adults are cool, ewww). In middle school, when I was cooler than the world, I started to swear incessantly, mindlessly inserting bad words into my speech instead of using more vivid, descriptive vocabulary. This became a habit lasting into adulthood, leading me to swear without even knowing I was doing it.

I think the bottom line is to be conscious of what we say and recognize how it could affect those around us. As adults we must be open with our children and always be ready to explain why something is inappropriate.  If we consistently model good behavior and teach our kids the cultural rules and roles for profanity, we can all have fun with language without getting into too much trouble.

All in all, whether we curse like sailors or think “jeepers” is profane, it’s important to be careful with our words and be sensitive to others.

 

 

What are your thoughts on the topic of profanity?  Parents and non-parents alike, please share your thoughts, comments and personal experiences below!

 

My New Addiction: Chocolate Date Butter

Chocolate date butter with almond butter on toast, with fresh strawberries and on bananas with peanut butter

I have a sweet tooth.  My mom has one. My grandpa and great grandpa had one.  Translation? We are sugar addicts.

My “sweet tooth” is written in my DNA.  My great grandpa couldn’t get enough of his wife’s homemade pies, my granddad the dentist had a secret love for Twinkies, and my mom is famous for spraying whipped cream in her mouth straight from the can. What can we say? Sweets bring us pure euphoria.

While I come from a long line of dessert-lovers, I am lucky to have grown up in a home where eating healthy was the norm.  My mom took our nutrition seriously, requiring we eat at least three to five servings of fruits and vegetables daily, which we reported to her at the end of the day.  We never drank soda, and sweet cereals were only allowed as a dessert.  But we did have our fair share of homemade pies, cookies, and ice cream.   And that’s not so bad, is it?

When I was 21, I met my husband Simon, an amazing man who happens to be a trained baker and pastry chef—SCORE!!!!  He can make truly anything, so the past eight years have been stuffed with countless sweet adventures in food.  No meal was complete without an exquisite homemade dessert, just ask any of our family and friends!

Over the past holiday season Simon and I became more conscious of sugar’s effects on our bodies.  After one glorious serving of dessert, we feel the uncontrollable urge to go for seconds.  And sometimes thirds.  Then, soon after, our blood sugar crashes and we feel crappy and lethargic.  So what do we do the next night? SUGAR TIME!!!

I have heard people say that sugar is more addictive than heroin.  I’m no scientist, nor have I done heroin, but it certainly works like a drug for me.  My aunt claims that if she has one tiny cookie, her body will force her to eat more and more until she spirals into a dark world of sugar spikes and crashes.  I can’t exactly say I’m that bad, but I have started to see the potential for me to become a full-fledged sugar addict.

Sometimes feeling like crap after binging is the best inspiration to make a change.  So as we pulled ourselves out of the gumdrop swamps and crystalline sugar-trip of the holidays, Simon and I decided to challenge ourselves to go one month without refined sugar.

Unsure we could make it a month without desserts, we sought out whole-food alternatives, and we found our new obsession—DATES!

Medjool dates

Deglet Noor dates

Until quite recently the only way I ever used dates was to stuff them with chorizo and wrap them in bacon.  But in the past few months these heavenly fruits have become a staple in our home, and something we simply couldn’t live without.

A date palm with fruit

Some might argue that dates are also filled with sugar.  They are.  In fact, they’re 80% sugar!  But unlike refined sugars such as white table sugar, corn syrup, and even agave nectar, dates are actually amazingly healthy.

Fresh, ripe dates

Dates are super high in antioxidants, fiber, vitamins, and minerals and most importantly, they don’t make your blood sugar spike and drop. Here’s a link to a short video that talks a study on dates’ effects on our health:

I will share many recipes for desserts sweetened by dates, but I wanted to start with something, quick, easy and versatile—Chocolate Date Butter!  Seriously, it’s freaking amazing.  It’s one of those things that you think about and wonder how you ever lived without it.

My date butter recipe is an adaptation from a fudgy chocolate frosting recipe from the Forks Over Knives cookbook.

This chocolate date butter is everything.  It’s smooth, dark, rich, sweet, and creamy.  It’s got all the dates’ nutrients, fiber and sweetness, but it won’t make you crash like sugar does, and it won’t trigger the addictive response that refined sugar does.

So how to we use it? Um… how DON’T we use it?! Here are some of our favorite ways to eat our Fudgy Chocolate Date Butter:

• Spread it on toast with some almond butter and bananas (or make a sandwich!)
• Blend it with unsweetened almond milk for a healthy version of chocolate milk
• Use it to sweeten a chocolate-banana-peanut butter milkshake (recipe to come)
• Spread it on fruit (berries, bananas, etc)
• Use it as a base to sweeten healthy chocolate cookies (recipe to come)
• Spread it on cupcakes, cake, or cookies
• Mix it with almond butter for a chocolately nut butter (much better than Nutella, I feel)
• Eat it with a spoon
• Mix it with coconut oil, then coat strawberries or cookies and refrigerate to set.

Chocolate date butter + homemade almond butter = PERFECTION

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!

 

Recipe: Fudgy Chocolate Date Butter

Ingredients:

• 1 cup boiling water
• 1/3 cup cocoa powder
• 1 ½ cup pitted dates (Deglet Noor or Medjool)
• pinch salt (optional)
• ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
• ½ teaspoon instant coffee

Preparation:

1. Put water and cocoa powder in a blender and blend on high for about 30 seconds.  Scrape down sides.
2. Add dates and salt to blender.  Blend, working from low to high until dates are creamy and smooth.
3. Add vanilla and coffee and blend until well incorporated.
4. Enjoy immediately or store and refrigerate.

Fresh, warm, chocolate date butter

This will last at least two weeks in the fridge. But no jars of date butter have ever lasted that long in this house!

I couldn’ bear to waste what I couldn’t scrape out of the blender, so I threw in some almond milk and hot water to make an amazing glass of hot chocolate!

Hot chocolate made by blending almond butter and hot water with the remnants of date butter left in the blender

Two months after our “no refined sugar” goal, we now only have refined sugars a couple of times per month.  We have only just begun to explore the infinite uses for Chocolate Date Butter.  What other ideas do you have? Comment below! And don’t forget to subscribe, like, and share!

Interesting facts about dates (copied and pasted from Wikipedia!):

• Dates are believed to have originated around Iraq, and have been cultivated since ancient times from Mesopotamia to prehistoric Egypt, possibly as early as 4000 BCE
• Date seeds are soaked and ground up for animal feed. Their oil is suitable for use in soap and cosmetics.
• Young date leaves are cooked and eaten as a vegetable, as is the terminal bud or heart, though its removal kills the palm
• Dates ripen in four stages, which are known throughout the world by their Arabic names kimri(unripe), khlal (full-size, crunchy), rutab (ripe, soft), tamr (ripe, sun-dried).
• Dates provide a wide range of essential nutrients, and are a very good source of dietary potassium. The sugar content of ripe dates is about 80%; the remainder consists of protein, fiber, and trace elements including boron, cobalt, copper, fluorine, magnesium, manganese, selenium, and zinc

Date palms in Phoenix (Phoenix is also the genus name of this amazing tree)

The Face Game-let’s get weird!

Are you ready for the simplest, goofiest, most dynamic activity ever? I now proudly present “The Face Game.”

“Every child is born an artist.  The hard part is remaining an artist as we grow up.” -Pablo Picasso

Ahmber says, “Hey, thexy.” Drawn by Celeste, Ben and Robbie

As children, we were all little Picassos.  As toddlers we would awkwardly wield jumbo crayons or chewed-up washable markers and express ourselves through drawings, even if our creations weren’t exactly “photorealistic.”  But at some point in our life, we became perfectionists, refusing to engage in activities we couldn’t master immediately.  Once we decide “I am not an artist,” we stop drawing.  We stop dancing, stop singing, or trying new sports.

The face game after two passes.

I must admit, I have definitely been guilty of the “If I’m not immediately good at it, I don’t want to try” attitude.  This fear of failure and imperfection has kept me from taking risks that might have paid off in the end.  I could have mastered an instrument, gotten good at a sport, or enjoyed riding a bike (instead of avoiding it due to my fear of falling).  While I always loved art, animals, and cooking, who knows what I could have achieved if I hadn’t been so afraid to fail?

Mr. Floatabout says, “I can see you, my sweet.” Drawn by Celeste, Ben and Robbie

This type of attitude limits human beings in so many ways–both personally and professionally, and it is one of the worst behaviors we can model for younger generations.  As I have grown up I have gotten much better at this, but I still have room to grow.

We can learn a lot from children.  Once we start taking ourselves less seriously, we can start to appreciate things more and realize how fun and enriching “failure” can be.  Even if our final outcome isn’t total perfection, can’t we learn and have fun in the process?

Now enough with that “I’m not an artist” attitude. When was the last time you sat down to doodle for fun?   Well, grab some paper, a pencil, and some friends, and let’s play THE FACE GAME!  It’s a fun, goofy activity for all ages.

Here are a few reasons why I LOVE the face game and why it’s my go-to activity in many situations.

• It is not competitive.  In fact, it’s collaborative (a great skill for all to practice).
• It has absolutely nothing to do with screens or electronic devices.
• Anyone can play it, no matter how young or old (ok, they have to be able to physically hold a crayon or pencil). I have literally played this with people as young as three and as old as eighty-five.
• It brings the creative, goofy and bizarre side out of people.
• It gets people drawing–sometimes for the first time in years.
• It can be a great vocabulary builder (in any language).
• It can be made dirty, if you want.  Not that anyone out there has a dirty mind…
• Everyone ends up smiling and laughing by the end.
•  It is an amusing yet calming activity that can last one round (about 3-8 minutes) or several rounds.

Here’s how the face game works:

Objective: Create a collaborative series of faces with friends.

Materials: Paper and a writing utensil for each person

Rules: Have fun! Use your imagination. Be open minded about how the faces turn out.

Number of players: Best for groups of two to six, but it can be done with more people (and you can even do it by yourself, if you want! Even without other players, it’s still fun).

Age: All ages, best for ages 3+

How to play:

1. Each person gets a writing utensil and a piece of paper (you can cut or tear a sheet of paper in half or in quarters).
2. One of the “artists” announces a part of the face for everyone to draw, let’s say, the eyes.
3. Everyone draws their interpretation of “eyes.” One eye, three eyes, cat eyes, alien eyes, anything. This is your time to be as simple or detailed as you want.
4. Once finished with the eyes, everyone passes their paper to the person to the left.
5. Everyone now draws the nose, then passes to the left.
6. Players continue drawing and passing, one part at a time. Little by little, the faces develop into quite intriguing characters, some cute, some grotesque. Don’t be surprise if you laugh or gasp in horror at the hideous creatures that you and your demented friends have created. In my opinion, the more bizarre and frightening the faces become, the more amusing they are!
7. Once the face is mostly complete, each person makes “finishing touches” on the final paper he or she receives.  This is the time to add anything extra to the face such as a neck, body, clothes, background, etc.
8.  Finally, give your person a name and create a thought bubble or quote to allow it to express itself.  The quote tends to be the most difficult part, but remember, don’t take it too seriously.  When finished, pass to the left.
9. Finally, each person introduces the one-of-a-kind character the group to the amusement of the other players.
10. Now everyone flips the drawings over or gets some more paper to continue with another round!

Step nine: Name and quote. It’s easy to get stuck on the quote. Don’t think too hard!

You can divide the parts of the face however you like, but these are the categories I usually use:

• Eyes
• Nose
• Mouth
• Face shape
• Ears (plus optional earrings)
• Hair
• Eyebrows and facial hair
• Finishing touches,
• Name, and thought bubble or quote.

Here’s an example of how the faces develop.  It’s crazy to see how much they can change from one step to another!

Round one: Eyes.

Round two: Nose

Round three: Mouth

Round four: Face Shape

Round five: Ears (I sort of drew hair on one… oops!)

Round six: Hair. Steps five and six can really change the personality of the face!

Step seven: Eyebrows and optional facial hair

Step eight: “Finishing touches.” Neck, body, etc.

Step nine: Name and quote. It’s easy to get stuck on the quote. Don’t think too hard!

Some more thoughts and variations:

• Try drawing the parts of the face in a different order.  Why not start with the ears, nose, or face shape?
• It’s fun if people have different colored pens/markers/crayons because you can look back and know who did what part of each face.
• Make this into “the body game” and do the same thing, but with feet, legs, torso, arms, head, and face.

Ready for more fun? Save the drawings to use as a jumping off point for another creative activity like these:

• Have a child look at a drawing and ask him or her to describe it in detail.  Encourage the use of vivid adjectives and nouns to increase vocabulary.  This is a great foreign-language activity as well.
• Use one or more drawings as inspiration for an imaginative short story.  What’s the back story on these creatures? Are the drawings friends? Siblings? A couple? What are their personalities like? How did they meet? Often with just a few drawings one can make up some pretty fun and amusing stories, which can be short or long.
• In pairs, have one person look at a drawing and describe it to another person who can not see the original.  Person #2 draws another picture based on the description from person #1. In the end, laugh about how funny the faces look.  This can help kids to focus on listening intently and on being thorough.

The possibilities are endless! This simple, awesome “game” has been my go-to activity when I need something fun and easily adaptable for different situations.  The hundreds of characters created over the years have brought me many laughs, and no two faces have ever been alike.  I hope you will give this activity a try. 🙂

Remember to keep taking risks and to stop taking yourself so seriously! Oh, and embrace your weird side!

Jason Mitchell says, “I want to go to there!” Drawn by Celeste, Ben and Robbie

Ahmber says, “Hey, thexy.” Drawn by Celeste, Ben and Robbie

Don’t forget to comment, like, share and subscribe!

The Miracle of Almonds, Part 2: Homemade almond milk

Who knew you could milk a nut?

Creamy and delicious homemade almond milk.

Certain foods you just can’t make at home.  Or so I thought! Crackers, marshmallows, kimchi, even fresh cheese… I used to think there were things you just had to buy from the store.  But thanks to the internet, I have realized you can learn to make absolutely ANYTHING at home, no matter how exotic or complicated it may seem.  And besides the amazing feeling of achieving ” the impossible,” your homemade version is usually tastier, healthier, and more affordable in the end.

For me, learning I could make my own fresh almond milk at home was a life-changing experience.  Now there’s always a fresh pitcher  in the fridge ready to be enjoyed.  And best of all, my pure, homemade almond milk tastes exactly as I want–with no preservatives, gums, or fillers.

In my house we much prefer almond milk over cow’s milk.  We aren’t completely dairy-free, but in general, hormone and antibiotic-laden cow’s milk is something we try to avoid.   Almond milk, on the the other hand, is equally creamy and flavorful, but it’s a plant-based option full of vitamins, minerals and healthy fats that won’t clog our veins or cause inflammation in our body.  We love it, and our toddler son Ellis loves it as well!

I’m not saying that store-bought almond milk isn’t a good option.  In fact, most brands add vitamins and minerals, which is great, but they also include sugars, preservatives, and other unnecessary stuff.  So why opt of the more expensive, processed option when you can make pure, amazing almond milk right at home?

 

For this recipe you’ll need:

• One cup of raw almonds
• Water (three to eight cups, depending on how rich you want the milk)
• A glass, bowl, or other container for soaking the almonds
• A blender
• A large mixing bowl
• A clean t-shirt or other cloth
• Bottles or pitcher for storing

Optional ingredients to flavor your almond milk:

• 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
• 1/3 cup to 1/2 cup pitted dates OR the desired amount of your preferred sweetener (agave nectar, sugar, etc)

Note: If you are accustomed to vanilla or “original” almond milk, you will probably want to sweeten it.

 

Step one: Soak your almonds.

Put one cup of raw almonds in a jar or bowl and cover with about a cup and a half of water.  Cover tightly and let sit in the fridge for at least eight hours and up to two days.  Soaking or “sprouting” your almonds for enough time activates enzymes and makes your milk nice and creamy.

Starting the soaking process: one cup of raw almonds plus about one an a half cups of filtered water.

 

 

Almonds and water after about 16 hours of soaking. Notice they have swollen up and are lighter in color.

Step two: Blend!

Pour your almonds and their soaking liquid into a blender.  If sweetening with dates, add those as well (make sure there are no pits!) Add another cup or two of water, put the lid on tightly and blend on high for about one to two minutes.

One cup of raw almonds, soaked, plus about three cups of water.

Creamy, pure almond milk. Almost ready!

 

Step three: Strain.

For a smooth, milky consistency, use the finest strainer possible–a t-shirt! A cheese cloth can leave some sediment in your milk, which isn’t so terrible, but if you prefer super-smooth milk (or if you plan on putting the milk in a baby’s bottle), definitely use a t-shirt or similar cloth (a non-terry cloth kitchen towel) to strain it.  Just place the shirt over a large mixing bowl and pour the milk in the middle, then carefully gather the sides of the shirt and lift.  With clean hands, start to squeeze and twist the shirt and voila! Beautiful, white almond milk!  Squeeze and twist to get as much liquid out as you can.

Freshly blended almond milk ready to be strained.

Straining with a t-shirt or similar fabric makes sure no sediment gets into the milk.

Start by grabbing two sides of the t-shirt.

Carefully gather the sides of the shirt before lifting to ensure everything gets strained.

This part sort of reminds me of milking a cow, but you’re milking a t-shirt and almond milk is coming out.

Almost done. Keep squeezing and twisting to get it all!

Note: You can also buy a “nut bag” online or at certain kitchen stores instead of using a cloth to strain your milk.

Step four: Store your almond pulp!

Your fresh milk contains all the almonds’ great flavor, healthy fat, minerals and vitamins, but the pulp has all the fiber, which is a shame to waste.  Set the bowl of milk aside, then carefully open the t-shirt and scrape out the compressed pulp into a bowl.  Tightly cover it and refrigerate it until you use it in pancakes, muffins, cake, or my awesome healthy cookie recipe (coming very soon!).  If you prefer, you can also dry out the pulp in the oven by spreading it out on a cookie sheet and baking for about an hour at 275 degrees.  After letting it cool completely, grind the dried pulp in a coffee grinder and sift out any large chunks.  This is extra work, but it turns the highly perishable almond pulp into a high-fiber flour that lasts for months in the cupboard.

Fiber-rich almond pulp. Be sure to cover and refrigerate or dry out completely and grind into a flour.

Step five: Taste the almond milk and adjust.

 Here’s where you have the most control of your final product.  First, add the desired amount of water to your milk to reach your preferred richness.  Just keep adding water little by little until it’s the perfect consistency, being careful to not dilute it too much.  Not sweet enough for your taste? Add some agave nectar or sugar to adjust.  What about throwing in some cinnamon and having an horchata-like beverage? It’s up to you.  To save space in the fridge, we like to make a rich, condensed almond milk (three total cups of water to one cup of almonds) which we then dilute when we use it.  Also, we keep ours unsweetened, but make yours as sweet as you like.

 

Step six: Store the milk.

 Use bottles, a pitcher, whatever you want, just be sure to tightly cover and refrigerate.  Since your almond milk is unprocessed and unpasteurized, you will need to consume it within about five days.  Also, don’t be alarmed if you see it separate or look like it has curdled.  Just shake or stir it up and it will go back to its creamy, beautiful appearance and texture.  YUMMMM.

Creamy and delicious pure, homemade almond milk. Try some out today!

Now it’s time to enjoy your delicious, pure, homemade almond milk! Here are some ideas on how to use it:

• In a fruity smoothie (with berries, bananas, and peanut butter)
• In a dairy-free milkshake (add ice, frozen bananas, dates, cocoa powder, etc)
• In a glass alongside some delicious cookies (recipe coming soon)
• With your favorite cereal
• Mixed into oatmeal while cooking
• In homemade healthy refried beans
• In a creamy pureed soup

 

So there you have it!  Now anyone is capable of making their own fresh, delicious almond milk! Stay tuned for my recipe for awesome healthy cookies using the almond pulp, almond butter, dates, and other yummy and wholesome ingredients.  And remember, you can make anything from scratch at home, all you need is the desire to learn!