The Motherhood Mindf*ck

The egg that made my mom

Was created inside my Nanan

While still Inside my great Grandmother Laury

In 1928

At twenty weeks, a fetus is filled with fertility 

Two million eggs

Two million possibilities

Real life Russian dolls

Egg 

Inside fetus

Inside human Mother

A cocoon of love inside love inside love

My mom’s essence existed before her mom was born

Through Nanan’s birth and milk and diapers and as she learned to walk and talk and write and drive and cook and flirt

That amazing egg waited

Tucked inside her 

Lucky to not get flushed into oblivion

Then sometime in mid 1954 

At the perfect moment 

She descended – center stage

And met her other half

A spark of destiny set off a rapid cell division

And my mother’s true form started to unfold

And since it was her destiny to be a mother too

Twenty weeks later

The egg that made me

Was created

And starting then, my essence lay protected, surrounded with love

In my mother 

In her mother

Awaiting destiny

A multigenerational mind-fuck 

We’ve absorbed our grandmother’s love

Since before our mothers’ birth

And now as my Ari Valentina 

Absorbs the love that surrounds her

So do the two million eggs

Nestled inside her 

Ready to make her 

Someday

A mother

Life School

Online school just wasn’t sustainable for us. So we knew we needed to homeschool our second grade son and preschool age daughter. Our time in quarantine taught us that our kids would continue to grow and learn as long as we created the environment for them to do so.

We were intrigued by a concept called unschooling, but we tweaked it a bit and adopted the name “lifeschooling”. So far we’re pretty excited about it and are glad to share what we’re doing to (hopefully) give our kids a great education at home. 

If you are looking for some ideas on how to do the same, keep reading.

What is lifeschooling?

It’s creating an inquiry based, student led learning environment at home.

Through your family’s interests and affinities, you can explore math, literacy, science, reading, writing, art, fine and gross motor skills, languages, cultures of the world and more. You can push your children to think, problem solve, move and create.

Best of all, it requires very little prep time. Just an open mind to explore the bright and rich possibilities of life. 

What is inquiry based learning?

Inquiry Based Learning or “IBL” is based on the theory that humans create knowledge through their own experiences, questions, exploration and reflection. 

Unlike a normal school setting where a teacher gives all the answers, here the teacher serves as a guide for the children to find their own solutions. To train them to think critically and become problem solvers.

This approach gives students the powerful habit of asking questions and seeking answers. It allows them to explore their personal interests and express themselves in their own way. 

Inquiry based learning gives children choice, voice and ownership of their learning.

IBL is basically how you learn in life. It’s how we all learned to walk and talk. If we apply this to the classroom, or in this case the homeschool, we get lifeschooling. 

To adopt this approach is to actively train your child to be a questioner, a problem solver, a thinker. It’s also a commitment to allow the child to have a great deal of choice in what they do. 

I must confess, the approach I’m presenting to you is a huge departure for me as a teacher. I am used to being (mostly) in control at all times. It has always worked for me, and I find security in that. Student-led learning sounded scary to me.

But when you’re teaching your own kids, omnipresent teacher/dad authority tends to backfire and not be fun at all. In a lifeschooling approach, I get to be a dad who helps his kids see all the fun and interesting learning opportunities in life.

With so little structure, it’s easy to question the rigor. But at the end of the day, the week, the month… you’ll look back and think, “wow, they really did learn a lot”.

Just reflecting on the first week of lifeschool, the kids learned bee anatomy, recycling, geography, fractions, tallying and more. Plus they learned a bunch of practical things, like how to make their dads coffee, make a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich, feed the cat, unclog the vacuum, make mac and cheese and more. 

One thing I’ve learned from lifeschooling is to go with the flow of the kids’ curiosity. Last week I planned for us to plant flower seeds, but they wanted just wanted to dig in the yard.  Because I didn’t insist we do the activity I was wanting to do, we all got to explore the wonder of roly polies galore, and even a worm! And the creation of little habitats in a box. That’s the idea – exploring and experiencing. 

My biggest advice for someone doing this is to have an open mind to what learning can look like. And to be open to learning and growing yourself.

I can’t wait to see where this learning journey takes us. I look forward to seeing how lifeschool adapts and how our family learns and grows. 

I hope what I’ve put together helps you in some way!

How to I get started?

Set up a place in the home that can be a base for learning. Ours is in our living room. Here are some ideas of what you can include (depending on age of students)

• White board and markers
• Writing utensils (pens, pencils, markers, highlighters)
• Scissors, tape, glue, paper
• Abacus
• “Learning boxes” – mini tray tables filled with notebook, sketchbook, makers, writing utensils
• Star charts and stars and jewel stickers
• Loose parts (rocks, sticks, etc)
• Play dough
• Playing cards, uno cards
• Dice
• Number blocks (ones, tens, hundreds, etc)
• Warm up books and toys
• Trash can

What does our day look like?

Intention time

Start “Life School” together as a family in your learning center.

Set intentions in the morning to start your day of learning. Ask and answer morning questions. Students are encouraged to record their answers in their notebook. Here are some examples of what we started with. You can always change the order. Add show and tell, or do songs. Make it what your family would like.

1. How are you feeling today?
   1. Everyone shares how they are feeling physically and mentally.
2. What day is it?
   1. One child reports on the date and day of the week, highlighting any holidays or upcoming events.
3. What’s the weather like today? 
   1. At least one child goes out to check the sun, sky and temperature, going back in to report and make a prediction about the day. Then the group checks the forecast and charts it on a piece of graph paper to see the weather trends that week.
4. How many times are we going to jump today? 
   1. -Each student rolls a die, and the sum of the numbers determines how many times everyone will jump. An easy chance to do simple arithmetic, but one could also subtract, multiply or divide.
5. How do you want to help the family today?
   1. Choosing from an official list or asking for approval for their own suggestions, students select at least one task to help the family and write it in their notebook.
6. What questions do you want to answer today?
   1. The group quickly references what questions they explored previously and set intentions for questions or topics they’d like to explore.

Exploration time

Once “intention time” is complete, the parent and students break for exploration time with an all-hands cheer: “Exploration…. GO!” This is an open, unstructured time for students to explore to complete the tasks they set out to do, find answers to their questions and record their findings. They add gold stars on their personal chart for each task they complete to help the family, or each “evidence of learning” showing they have explored and reflected. The parent should encourage independence and high standards of work, assisting students when necessary and pushing them to find their own solutions. 

Reflection time

At the end of the day, make an effort to have your kids reflect on their learning. Have them share their day with the family, especially the other parent who had been working all day and wasn’t part of it. This is a great time to ask follow up questions to be explored the following day. Reflection time also brings opportunities for parents to assess understanding and mastery of topics and for students to reinforce their knowledge by teaching others.

Stars and Jewels

For every “help the family” task or “evidence of learning” provided, students may give themselves a gold star on their chart. For every ten stars, they receive a jewel for their chart. 

There is no minimum or maximum number of stars or jewels a student can receive. The goal is that they will be self-motivated. Parents should be open to giving stars for “move” activities, like bouncing on the trampoline for eight minutes straight, ten laps in the pool, etc. 

This is just how we do it, but you could use any kind of stickers or rewards, or none at all. 

What questions should you explore?

Choose a theme that inspires curiosity. We started with the central theme “Mi Casa” (My house). We used our surroundings to spark questions and exploration. Some questions the first two weeks included:

• Where do I live?
• Who lives at my house?
• How many doors does my house have?
• What is Rosh Hashanah?
• What parts does a bee have? 
• How do you make challah bread?
• What are fall colors?
• How can we decorate for fall?
• What vocabulary can I learn from Calvin and Hobbes?
• How do I count by tens?
• What can I do on my computer?
• How do you make a peanut butter nutella sandwich?
• How do I vacuum?
• What do I know about roly polys and worms?
• How do I fold laundry?
• How does the pool system work?
• How do I make myself a snack?

It’s been really fun. Painting and baking and dissecting insects and getting my kids to do things for themselves. So much better than the stress of before. And I truly see learning happening. I know that they can thrive like this.

Luckily I have two kids who love math. They are happy for me to write a page in their notebook for them to do. We always make sure we do math daily. Need to incorporate writing a bit more. 

We are still figuring this out, so this will all likely adapt and change. But for now, here’s what I’ve got! Good luck to anyone who embarks on a homeschooling or lifeschooling adventure! 

I adopted a motto for life school that my friend Josh always tells his daughter at dropoff. It’s one we all could aspire to.

Be good. Have fun. Learn lots. Do your best.

How can I find answers?

• Read a book
• Look at a map
• Interview someone
• Watch a video
• Collect
• Measure
• Weigh
• Conduct an experiment
• Sort and classify
• Count
• Test
• Mix
• Explore my environment
• Google
• Wikipedia

How can I show evidence of learning?

• Make a list
• Draw a picture
• Draw a map
• Build a model
• Write a poem
• Make a diagram
• Make a graph
• Perform a play
• Present a photo tour 
• Film a video
• Give a presentation
• Write a report
• Teach a lesson
• Give a demonstration
• Write a summary
• Write a story
• Sing a song
• Take notes
• Cook a recipe

How can I help the family?

• Feed Mac
• Vacuum great room
• Vacuum bedrooms and hall
• Shred documents
• Clean glass – French doors, sliding kitchen doors
• Water plants out back
• Water plants out front
• Soak both pine trees
• Sweep kitchen
• Sweep outside
• Test pool chemistry and skim the pool
• Make Papa decaf coffee
• Wash veggies for juicing
• Prepare a snack for the family

Today I can

Ask

Collect 

Create

Inspect

Draw

Explore

Explain

Test

Cook

Bake

Move

Help

Analyze

LEARN

Life School

What skills do we want to instill?

• Feeding Curiosity
• Critical thinking
• Problem solving – root cause (Five Why method)
• Independence
• Research, analysis and synthesis
• Learning to learn
• Formulating a point of view – having and defending an opinion 
• Defining your values
• Responsibility
• Foster thinking outside the box
• Creativity to problem solve
• Valuing failure
• Thinking in a non-linear way
• Making connections between disparate things
• Asking questions
• Penmanship
• Spelling
• Writing skill
• Forming sentences, paragraph
• Presentation skills
• Storytelling
• Four functions of Math – Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication, Division

Save Me.

Glancing out the kitchen window, I saw another SOS alert at the bottom of the pool. Rippling shadows told me another bee would drown unless I skimmed her out. To see and to not act would make me a murderer. My smoothie could wait.

As I stepped into the blazing Phoenix heat, I got to save not one but two lives! It was only two bees, but it gave me a fleeting sense of power, a small victory in a world where the shadow of death and fear loom over us all.

Then I saw another animal visitor. A rat. A fucking rat.

Only once in my life had I seen a rat out of a pet store. That was last week, when one scurried over the block wall to grab a fallen lemon.

Inches away, I contemplated its possible diseases as it rested its sweet face on the pool brush in the shade. I never expected I’d say this of a rat, but it was just so damned cute. Its adorable ears, its soft fur, the way it scampered away when it saw me.

I figured he’d just climb up the wall and run away. But he just lay there. I stood there watching him panting on the gravel, undeterred by my presence.

I saved the bees with a quick swipe of the net. Can’t I help this rat? 

Dude… it’s a RAT. Hell no.

But it’s a creature. And it’s right here. Right now. And so I am I. 

One bite might have given me rabies, but I managed to push a silicone dish under its thirsty, whiskery snout without a counterattack.

Mr. Rat took some sips of water and but mostly just lay there panting. My phone buzzed with more headlines of police violence, mass death and a grim future. Anxiety of a COVID world without end in sight reverberated in my soul. I was helpless in a fucked up, hopeless world. And there he was, baking alive under the sparse shade of the lemon tree. I was determined to save him. 

I hoped some spritzes of distilled water could help cool him off. As his fur and whiskers collected droplets of water, he seemed to almost smile into the fiery summer breeze. 

Simon noticed me from the kitchen window and came out to see what was going on. We both stood there watching the rat, its head now resting in the water bowl, panting and frozen in the cruel oven of life. 

We sent it vibes. Prayers that it would regain its strength and go live somewhere else.This goddamned rat was getting saved. Just like the bees. 

We went inside. I made my smoothie. Had a glass, then poured the rest into popsicle molds. Before Ari and I left for the Lohmeiers’, I went out and gave it one last look and desperate prayer. 

Up in New River, Sarah and Jason told me it was most likely a packrat. The kind that had caused $7,000 of damage in their cars. Jason’s been laying traps for those motherfuckers for years. They’re the worst.

As the kids giggled and screamed and quarreled, I wondered if he was still lying there panting. Maybe he had mustered up the strength to go be with his family. 

As we pulled into our driveway at home, we went straight to the back yard.

He wasn’t panting. He wasn’t in pain. His stiff, lifeless body was already being collected by ants and flies.

Simon gently picked him up and lovingly tossed him into the trash. As he plopped into that black plastic bag surrounded by dead leaves, yard clippings and the drowned bird I had fished out of the pool two days prior, I could see his erect tail poking out of the debris like a toddler who doesn’t know how to play hide and seek.

I rolled the trash can to the curb as the sun set on yet another day. In a time of so much darkness. In a life that is fleeting and precious. In a time where I feel so powerless to fix things. In a world where survival is never a guarantee. 

Zac

Hey, Zac.

I miss you.

It’s been almost one year since you died. You died. I can’t even believe that those words are real.

I wasn’t ready to speak at your funeral, so I hope you’ll accept this as my way to honor you.

Flash back to fall of 2010… There you were, sixteen-year-old Zac—a smart, funny, kid in my Spanish 3-4 class and slight pain in my ass. It was no secret you were completely sick of being around a bunch of kids who, as you might say, “sucked” at Spanish, so over the next few months I tutored you after school so you could skip the next level. We studied it all—compound tenses, vocabulary, and the dreaded subjunctive.

Zac, let me try to explain the subjunctive to anyone who might be reading this, thinking “huh?” Yes, I’m the freak who chose to include a grammatical lesson in a eulogy. Deal with it.

In Spanish, there are two main “moods” of verbs. One, the indicative, is the most frequently used, representing things that are true, real, and certain. For example:

Zac es increíble… “Zac is amazing”

Tocó tantas vidas… “He touched so many lives”

No tuvo suficiente tiempo… “He didn’t have enough time”.

The other, called subjunctive, which virtually doesn’t exist in English, represents everything else—doubt, uncertainty, hopes, wishes, desires and emotions. It’s how we express what we hope will happen, want to happen, but perhaps might not happen at all.

Cuando te conviertas en médico… “When you become a doctor”

Espero que te acuerdes de mí… “I hope you remember me”

Ojalá que no nos hubieras dejado… “I wish you hadn’t left us.”

It’s also how we express emotions. Joy, happiness, sadness, regret, fear and excitement—it helps us give meaning to this crazy thing called life.

At times I described it to students as a “ghost” form of the verb—it’s there, but it’s not truly there.

And like a ghost, the subjunctive is hands-down the most confusing and daunting concept for students taking Spanish. Unless your name is Zac Bradley. What many students don’t achieve in a lifetime, you mastered in weeks. Even after skipping a year of Spanish, you came in as the most advanced kid in the class.

That year we grew closer, as you dropped by my room almost daily for yet another Spanish conversation—not that you needed any more extra credit.

We talked about everything—from our dreams and frustrations to drugs and white privilege. We challenged each other’s ideas, but you always kept an open mind for your beliefs to evolve. You cared about the truth and defended it with facts and figures, sometimes debating with me for hours until we found a middle ground. With each conversation, your Spanish improved, and our bond strengthened.

One afternoon I heard someone singing in the halls, unaware it could be you. A few seconds later, we crossed paths, both on our way to my classroom. You were clearly in a mood to sing and had decided I was going to give you extra credit for a song—Eres by Café Tacuba. Despite that you had just told me what to do, we quickly made a deal—you’d sing the whole song loud enough for me to hear every word clearly, but I had to sing with you. So I connected my iPod to the dock and you pulled out your lyric sheet—not that you needed it. There we were, a teacher and his student, two friends belting it out, not caring if anyone who walked by thought we were silly.

Eres,

lo que más quiero en este mundo eso eres,

mi pensamiento más profundo también eres,

tan sólo dime lo que es

que aquí me tienes…

The end of that school year, I left my teaching job to be a full-time stay-at-home dad. When you found out, you were clearly pissed at me, but you congratulated and encouraged me nonetheless. On graduation night, you ran up to hug me and said, “Señor, I’m never going to see you again!” I hated the idea that you might be right.

But luckily our friendship continued to grow, and next year, as a senior, you asked me to escort you down the stage at the school’s “Mr. Shadow” pageant—an honor typically reserved for contestants’ parents. When you graduated and went off to Berkeley, we’d Skype about college life and Spanish assignments and even met up each time I visited the Bay Area. I felt in many ways like a parental figure to you—proud and protective, and excited to see the incredible future you had waiting for you. Beyond this, you became “Tío Zac” to my son Ellis, who truly loved you.

And then came the phone call I will never forget. After Thomas told me you had died, I went into the bathroom to tell my husband Simon, who was bathing Ellis. There I saw my beautiful little toddler splashing in the tub, and at that moment my shock and sadness were joined by a jolt of fear. What if my own amazing son doesn’t get to live a full life? So much potential. Such an amazing human being. Gone. Over the next days and weeks I’d find myself zoning out, trying to breath deeply. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I sang along to Eres again to honor you and heard the lyrics in a new light.

Aquí estoy a tu lado, 

y espero aquí sentado hasta el final,

No te has imaginado, 

lo que por ti he esperado pues eres…

….lo que yo amo en este mundo eso eres…

Cada minuto en lo que pienso eso eres…

Lo que más cuido en este mundo eso eres…..

 

Here I am by your side

I sit and wait here until the end

You have never imagined

What I have hoped for you, yes….

You are… what I love in this world,

You are… what I think of every moment

You are… what I hold so close to me in this world, you are…

But every time I’d get upset, I imagined you saying in a frustrated voice, “Dude, just don’t be sad. Seriously, It’s a f*cking waste of time.”

There you go again, telling me what to do, Zac. But in many ways, you’re right.

If I were still teaching, I’d be discussing the Day of the Dead right now, showing my students images of skeletons and skulls dancing among flowers, reminding us how beautiful and fleeting life can be. Back when you were my student we celebrated this bittersweet holiday, recognizing our own mortality and promising to enjoy every moment of life with those that we love. You kept your promise, and your exuberant life ended just hours before the Day of the Dead, 2014.

You always enjoyed life, whether you were laughing, singing, doing something slightly stupid, challenging an adult or giving someone a huge hug or smile. Thank you for teaching me to truly live. I’m never going to see you again, and I’ve accepted that. I think.

I once heard someone say, “A life doesn’t have to be long to be meaningful.” If there’s anyone this applies to, it’s you.

I’d like to think you’re out there somewhere, watching us and laughing, playing the role of the subjunctive—that challenging and fascinating thing that we just can’t explain or understand easily. You’re here—but not here—helping us make sense of our hopes, wishes, doubts and confusion, and our passions and emotions in life. You already know this, but I always loved the subjunctive, even though it was sometimes a pain in my ass.

So to close, here’s a link to Eres by Café Tacuba, the song we sang five years ago in my classroom. “Eres” means “You are”—in the most real, true and certain way. And, Zac, you are, you were and you always will be—special to me. I made sure to include the lyrics in the video. Not that you need them.

3 Year Old Haikus

In honor of my amazing son on his third birthday

Under the blanket

Together on the sofa

Hiding from tigers

——————–

The age of “por que?”

Endless curiosity

Learning more and more

Skinny arms and legs

His belly like a balloon

Big brown eyes and hair

Front facing carseat

So much more interaction

Papa! Look at that!

We shout with delight

With every bridge and tunnel

Along the freeway

——————–

No taking pictures!

Sick of the paparazzi

He’ll thank me someday

Tortilla maker

My helper in the kitchen

He’s truly a chef

Mi tortillero

Mi mejor asistente

Mi futuro chef

He must be my son

If sampling all our spices

Brings him that much joy

He looked so concerned

And gathered his toys and food

For children in need

——————–

Animal crackers

To get him to try to swim

Now he’s like a fish

Long, lean and agile

He powers through the water

This kid’s built to swim

Downward dog and plank

Superman and tabletop

I in alignment!

Gummy vitamins…

“I no eat my gummies day”

Ellis, that’s not true

An amazing host

He’ll offer you a pillow

And share all his toys

How can anyone

Hear one song so many times?

And still love it so?

——————–

I drive poquito?

Every time we get back home

Highlight of his day

During a meltdown

Nothing will satisfy him

Toddler life is tough

——————–

Potty training… Oy!

But in the end, he rocked it

Only took two days

——————–

I niño grande!

I pipí en orinal

I wash my manos

——————–

Right next to the dogs

He sits and stays for a treat

Of frozen green beans

Rocky and Sunny

Put up with so much from him

He really loves them

——————–

First year of preschool

Friends, learning, and non-stop fun

Absolute success

“Don’t wash my pelo”

Yet he can spend hours swimming

With eyes wide open

——————–

His broccoli speaks

In its own deep, funny voice

Before getting chomped

Starts with a timer

The bedtime routine won’t fail

Five books and three songs

——————–

Before bed each night

Left cheek, right cheek, and forehead

He gives three kisses

——————–

He’s such a happy guy

Not a care in the whole world

Just as it should be

Somersaults and hops

He’s a bouncing kangaroo

Giggling all the while

With him as my son

Each day is a miracle

Thank you, God. Thank you.

I’m so entitled, I shouldn’t even have to title this.

This piece is entirely satirical and in no way reflects my feelings about the Phoenix Zoo. In fact, the Phoenix Zoo is an awesome place, and I have had nothing but great experiences there. I highly recommend purchasing a yearly membership–you will be happy you did! Unless you’re a miserable, horrible person like the asshole that wrote this…

————-

Dear Phoenix Zoo,

Last week my family and I visited your zoo with a free pass from the library, and I am writing to express my immense disappointment. #wtfphoenixzoo

Thanks to your inconsiderate orangutans who repeatedly ignored my requests to approach the glass for a family selfie, my Instagram followers missed out on their hourly peek into what it’s like to have a perfect life. I hope you’re happy.

Please be more thoughtful in planning your animals’ nap schedule. The mountain lion slept through my children generously throwing popcorn at it, and the ocelot didn’t even twitch when I repeatedly slammed my jogging stroller against its glass enclosure.

Your concession stands and snack bars are grossly unprepared for my family’s dietary needs. Have you never heard of chia seed pudding?

Since the “Mexican gray wolves” completely ignored my daughter’s perfectly executed howling, I suspect that one or more of the following is true: A. They only speak Mexican or B. They’re just a pack of inbred huskies. Or maybe they’re deaf. No matter what, I’m going to destroy them on social media. #deportthemexicanwolves

I was sneezed on by a man who had come from the Africa trail. Now I probably have Ebola, malaria and probably sickle cell anemia. Where are your safeguards against this?

I performed a flawless Zumba-inspired rendition of Hakuna Matata for the meerkats but received no response. They’re probably depressed since you ignorantly segregated them from their best friends, the warthogs.

It was windy and I got a leaf in my eye.

I just can’t with your giftshop. Your selection of “personalized name plates” was PATHETIC. What are my kids Quinlyn, Jaxxsin and, Xoeigh going to do? And speaking of little Jaxxsin, is a simple ivory chew toy too much to ask for? Good GOD. Clearly you have access to ivory but are too greedy to share. #wtfphoenixzoo

Your zoo is simply too big. My children all fell asleep in the stroller after an hour and missed out on seeing all the animals. I, however, was not provided a stroller and stroller-pusher so that I could nap. I’m pretty sure that’s ageism, by the way.

I’ll have you know that being a full time mom is the hardest job in the world. But clearly you don’t know anything about working hard, since your zoo is a complete JOKE.

Given the abuses my family endured at your zoo, I expect you will compensate us handsomely for our pain and suffering. I expect a complementary premium zoo membership in the mail by the end of the week.

Cordially,

Angelic Brownstain

A taxpaying US citizen

P.S. The giant tortoise was unreasonably slow. I think you drugged him.

Best Cookies Ever: Nutty, Crunchy, Chocolate Chunky “Health” Cookies

I’ll say it again.  Best cookies ever.

I know, I know… The internet is full of recipes claiming this superlative.  But for me any my family, this recipe is where it’s at.  And the best part?  They’re actually good for you!

These cookies are the ultimate combination of nutty and chocolatey with sensational texture and flavor.  Crunchy roasted almonds, dark chocolate chunks, nutty walnuts, coconut and maple syrup.  They’re not too sweet and have just enough salt to highlight each flavor, and since most of the ingredients are whole, unrefined foods, the end product is filling and satisfying with no sugar hangover.  And while they’re slightly more time consuming and a bit pricier than your average cookie, they make up for it by being so freaking fantastic.  Seriously though… So damn good.

I call these health cookies because the fat, sugars and grains are unrefined.  I use pureed nuts instead of butter or oil, Whole grains intend of processed white flour, and maple syrup (or dates) in place of refined cane sugar.  The variations for this recipe are endless, so after making these cookies, use this recipe as a base for your own variations!

Before I share the recipe, here are a few tips to ensure your cookies turn out awesome!

I highly recommend preparing as much of this from scratch as possible.  It adds some steps to the process, but the love and attention have a real impact on the final product.  For example, homemade almond butter and freshly toasted almonds are 10 million times better than store-bought.  (You can find my recipe for homemade almond butter here).

To toast raw almonds, simply bake them on a cookie sheet at 350 for 10 minutes or until fragrant.  Let cool completely and then chop them.  To get nice even pieces, use the base of a large knife and forcefully press down quickly with even weight, making nice clean cuts (and inevitably banging on the cutting board, potentially waking a napping toddler).

Try to get a nice dark chocolate.  I prefer this awesome 72% cacao “Pound Plus” from Trader Joes.  I then cut it up into chunks for the cookies.  To get nice chunks and avoid the chocolate from shaving while you cut it, use the same method as I described for chopping the almonds.  Cut each small square in half, then chop the pieces even smaller.

You can make these with whole wheat flour or oat flour (which I used this time).  To make easy homemade oat flour, just put some oats in your blender and blend away! It’s amazingly easy, especially if you have a good blender like a Vitamix.  I have also made variations of “health cookies” with combinations of different flours like almond, coconut, quinoa and others.

The walnuts in this recipe can be substituted by an additional 1/2 cup of almond butter, but I prefer it with the combo of the two nuts.

Unsweetened coconut was surprisingly easy to find (from Fry’s/Kroger) and the same price as sweetened!

We prefer to keep these cookies in the freezer and eat them semi-frozen.  The crunchy chocolate and chewy dates add even more to the awesome texture.

 

Alright, now let’s make some health cookies!

Recipe: Nutty Chocolate Chunk Health Cookies

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In the food processor, blend together almond butter, walnuts, and maple syrup until relatively smooth.  Blend in eggs and vanilla.  Toss in unsweetened coconut and pulse for about 5 seconds.

The soul of the recipe… Maple syrup, almond butter and walnuts.  BLEND!

This alone is an amazing creation that could be an INSANE frosting.

If you make a yin yang with the eggs, the cookies will give you inner balance and improved zen.

Add oat flour, salt and baking soda.

 

Add oats and blend until incorporated.

Move dough to a large bowl and fold in chocolate chunks,  almonds and dates.

Scoop large balls of dough onto an cookie sheet and bake for about 9-11 minutes.  The smaller you make them, the less time they will need.

 

They’re not going to win a beauty contest, but trust me. They are freaking delicious.

I highly recommend storing these in the freezer and eating them semi-frozen, but feel free to enjoy them at any temperature!  Enjoy these and don’t forget to share your comments and questions.  Happy baking!

 

Recipe: Nutty Chocolate Chunk Health Cookies

(AKA Best cookies ever)

Makes 9-14 cookies (depending on how big you make them)

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup almond butter
• 2/3 cup walnuts
• 1/2 cup maple syrup
• 2 eggs
• 1 tablespoon vanilla
•  1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
• 1 1/2 cups oat flour
• 1 cup oats
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 3/4 t salt
• 1 cup chopped roasted almonds
• 3/4 cup dark chocolate chunks
• 1/2 Chopped Medjool dates

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. In the food processor, blend together the almond butter, walnuts, and maple syrup until relatively smooth.  Blend in the eggs and vanilla.  Toss in the coconut and pulse for about 6 seconds.
3. Add oat flour, baking soda and salt, processing until combined.  Add oats and blend until incorporated. Dough will be sticky.
4. Move dough to a large bowl and fold in chocolate chunks, almonds and dates.
5. Scoop large balls of dough onto an cookie sheet and bake for about 9-11 minutes.  The smaller you make them, the less time they will need.

My Celebration of India at Preschool Cultural Day

When I signed up to represent India at Ellis’s preschool’s cultural day, the teacher and artist in me were instantly unleashed. The project consumed my mind for weeks, and today, many hours later, it finally came to fruition.

Everything is made by hand. I did the Taj Mahal with watercolor and pen, the people are pen and colored pencil, and I carved the stamp out of a rubber block.

I put my Taj Mahal on a cloud-print poster board for maximum effect.

 

I hadn’t used colored pencils since high school. It was fun. 🙂

Thanks, Mom for having so many wonderful art supplies!

In true Indian style, people could smell our table from across the room. We had a display of 13 fresh Indian spices on the table while chicken tikka masala bubbled away in a crock pot, which was such a hit I gave out the recipe many times (thanks Aarti)! We also had a crunchy and salty fried lentil snack called dal, which people loved.

I didn’t get a photo of my chicken tikka masala today, but here’s a photo of the sauce before I put the chicken in it. I must say, it was divine.  I served many people seconds and thirds. 😀

Thanks to my new friend Jodi, we were able to give people bindis to wear! They looked beautiful on the kids and women, especially the many beautiful Latina women who work at the school. Some (like me) wore smiley face bindis! 😀

Real bindis from India! Check out the gorgeous sari underneath and the awesome wood stamp, all from my friend Jodi.

The kids got really into smelling and touching the spices, and many will likely have turmeric stains on their clothes and fingers for a long time. Sorry parents!

She was literally wiping turmeric on her dress as I took this photo.

The kids also loved the animals. I saw many kids petting the tigers, and one kid event tried to swipe the elephant. Maybe he was offended I had displayed an African elephant instead the Asian variety.

The spices got more and more messy as the day went on. I smiled as I saw a toddler blow a cloud of turmeric across the table. Lots of fun smelling and touching such wonderful spices!

The kids went from table to table with their little passport, collecting stamps and stickers along the way. There were also areas for face painting (the flag of your choice), a dress up corner, and even dance performances from around the world.

There were lots of really awesome country displays at the festival. Twenty countries were represented, and each country host put a lot of love and effort into it. It was so cool to see people’s creativity applied in so many different ways and to be in such a celebration of different cultures. Oh, and the food wasn’t bad either! Spanish olives and almonds, Manchego cheese, ceviche, arepas, guacamole and chips, bread salad, Irish “gur”cake, a sweet sesame dumpling from Korea, an awesome rice dish from Ghana, plantain chips, the list goes on and on…

For me, the best part was meeting the school community and having them love the food and appreciate all the hard work. Every last drop of chicken tikka masala was eaten, and not a grain of rice was wasted.

And yeah, I’m pretty proud of myself. 🙂 Now what country should I do next year?

We had to appreciate the incredible beauty of the Indian spices before throwing them (and the millions of kid germs) away.

 

Portland Food Adventures

A wedding is always a great excuse to travel. And when your parents offer to take care of your son while you’re gone, you might as well make a six-day vacation out of it! Yay! Adult time! No more 7 PM curfew! This is a chronicle of our culinary journey through the wonderful city of Portland.

Ahoy! To Portland! The city of cyclists, bridges, and deliciously caloric and locally-sourced foodstuffs! The land of breweries, flannel, tattooed sleeves and handlebar mustaches. The place where kale grows from every crack in the sidewalk! A promised land where the streets are lined with biscuits, heirloom tomatoes and salted caramel! Oh, dear Portlandia, where will we go, what will we see, and most importantly—what will we eat?

I’ve scored Portland’s foods in three categories:

MISS: From “meh” to “blech”

HIT: From “Ooh, not bad!” to “Yum!”

SUPER HIT: From “OMG yum!!!” to “HOLY CRAP THIS IS EFFING AMAZING”

 

Day 1: Arrival

Our friend David picked us up and took us straight to Bake Shop, where we got  a chocolate orange pecan pastry and a ham and cheese croissant.  The croissant was incredibly flaky, crispy, and buttery, with just the right amount of salt–one of the best I’ve EVER had!  As for the chocolate orange pastry, my husband devoured it before I could get a taste. “It was really good!” he said, as I shook my head with a menacing scowl.  We were off to a good start!

SUPER HIT: Ham and cheese croissant from Bake Shop.

Then we checked into our awesome AirBnB accommodation.  Our room had a separate entrance surrounded by a beautiful garden where we could pick fresh tomatoes and blueberries.

HIT: Fresh blueberries growing outside our AirBnB accommodation.

Before we knew it, our blood sugar had dropped and our livers needed another fat injection, so we lunched at Lardo.  This was the first of many examples of how Portland is a truly pig-obsessed city.

Nom nom nom… Meat meat meat…  The burger was good, but Maybe a sturdier bun or baguette would have held up better to the “Lardo sauce” they smothered on the meat.  I would definitely go back for the PBLT and the Bahn Mi!

HIT: Pork meatball bahn mi, Lardo house fries.  MISS: Double burger with porkstrami  .

HIT: (Half eaten) shaved zucchini with Caesar dressing, basil, parmesan, bread crumbs. I want to make this at home now.

As we finished up, we were so full that we could barely discuss what to eat for dinner.  That night David made us a fantastic quinoa dish complete with kale and tomatoes from his garden- just what our bodies were craving!  For dessert we had lavender-infused ice cream with plum and freshly picked blueberries.

HIT: A home-cooked meal made with local, organic ingredients served alongside a cold glass Portland-made beer.

Day 2: More exploring and catching up with friends

Exploring New Seasons Market is like wandering through an episode of Portlandia.  We walked there from our place constantly for breakfast burritos, drinks, snacks and treats as we thought to ourselves, “Yeah, this is so much better than CORPORATE Whole Foods!”

HIT: New Seasons makes a surprisingly delicious vegetarian breakfast burrito! Potato, egg, green chile, cheese and onion. It’s no Julioberto’s, but it did the trick!

After a breakfast burrito and a long walk downtown from our home base, we mapped out a course to our next meal.  A food pod!  For those of you who aren’t familiar, a food pod is a group of food trucks in a semi-permanent setting.  Food pods are all around the city, but we went to a big one near O’Bryant Square.

One of Portland’s many glorifications of swine

If you’re indecisive about what to eat, avoid food pods.  There were Scottish fish and chips, gyros, crepes, Chinese food, Thai, Japanese, Korean, Ethiopian, and everything in between.  We saw a decent line in front of one of the gyro places, so we went for it.

As I shoveled the food into my mouth, I realized the line of people must have been mostly tourists who didn’t know that this food stall was in the “so-so” category.  My rice was super oily and my lamb wasn’t cut from a spit, but resembled processed meat fried up on a griddle.  Why, God? WHY?!?

MISS: Food pod meal #1: Lamb gyro, lamb and rice plate with salad and tzaziki, stuffed grape leaves.

Our food coma was setting in, so we went in search of some coffee.  Destiny took us to Pearl Bakery, where I had an absolutely heavenly chocolate chip pecan cookie.  The brownie wasn’t bad either!

SUPER HIT: Chocolate chip pecan cookie and walnut brownie from Pearl Bakery. I found $1.50 to be an absolute steal for a cookie of this caliber.

A nap and a shower later, we felt like new again and walked to Life of Pie.  We split a small pizza topped with caramelized onions, goat cheese and garlic along with a green salad and some beers.  Overall it was a great meal, but next time I will definitely go back before 6 PM for their famous happy hour specials: the $5 margherita pizza and $3 draft beers!

HIT (despite the burnt spots): Wood-fired pizza from Life of Pie

HIT: It’s hard to screw up a mixed green salad…

HITS: Proletariat NW Red Ale and Na Zdravi Czech-style Pilsner

Later that night we met up with the brides, their family and the other out-of-towners at a local brewery.  There was food leftover from their rehearsal dinner, so I took the opportunity to stuff myself with undressed mixed greens by the plateful, providing myself a buffer of healthy fiber for all the deliciously naughty treats the weekend would hold.

Day Three: Wedding, Farmers market and Reception

The day had come! In a beautiful morning ceremony at Cathedral Park,  Our friends Kate and Shelly expressed their love to each other in front of a small group of joyous family and friends.

After the wedding the guests were encouraged to go out and enjoy everything Portland has to offer.  We made our way over to the most fantastic farmers market I have ever been to, where we were hypnotized by mounds of stunning produce and infinite jars of local cheeses, honeys and jam.  By the end of it, we were so spoiled by Portland’s local treasures that heirloom tomatoes seemed commonplace, albeit no less bedazzling.

SUPER HIT: The product samples offered at the farmers market

“But what to have for lunch?  Ooh, how about that booth, Portland Curry! This is gonna be great! Local organic chicken tikka masala, chickpea malasa in a spiced sauce… Yummy!”

In hindsight, some might argue that you should avoid buying Indian food when the booth is staffed only by white people.  I reject that notion, as I feel even non-Indians can make great curry.  These people could not.  It was not great.  It was terrible.  It’s like they thought, “How can we make this as flavorless as possible and still call it curry?”  No amount of cilantro, yogurts and chutneys could make this stuff good.  And the “chicken tikka” was mostly big chunks of potatoes in an under-salted, under-spiced broth that left me wanting to thrust my bowl at their booth like an unsatisfied toddler.

SUPER MISS: Under-salted, unde-rspiced, underwhleming Portland curry. That ain’t right.

But check out those tomatoes!

The most exquisite raw chocolate peanut butter bar made up for any of life’s problems.

SUPER HIT: Raw, vegan chocolate peanut butter bar from Eatin’ Alive.

Kate and Shelly definitely did their research when planning the menu for their reception, because that Thai buffet was perfection.   Chicken satay, vegetable spring rolls, lemongrass chicken rolls, pad see ew (EFFING AMAZING), Panang curry, pineapple fried rice… Holy crap. I served myself seconds even though I was already pretty stuffed by my first plateful.

SUPER HIT: Thai food at the wedding reception.

But oh, the pie!  I wouldn’t say s’mores are anything I crave, but this mini pie was calling me, and I’m so glad I chose him.

These delectable miniature pies came from a place called the Pie Spot. I love that they served pie instead of cake.

SUPER HIT: S’mores mini pie. I want some more.

 

Day Four: Recovery

The great thing about late nights of drinking and dancing is that you can always sleep it off the next day.  Unless you’re a dad whose circadian rhythm won’t let you sleep past 6:30, despite the fact that you consumed copious amounts of Patron the night before.  I’m speaking hypothetically, of course… Time for another breakfast burrito and a large can of rehydrating coconut water! My head still hurts…

Electrolytes, please

Next came a mid-morning nap, then an outing for lunch with David while Simon slept off an incoming migraine.  We walked from our AirBnB to a deli where I had a house-made beef pastrami sandwich on rye.  It was much more thick-cut than I’m used to, and I was so glad to see it wasn’t piled ridiculously high like at so many delis.

HIT: Beef pastrami on rye.

Sunday afternoon we saw The Hundred Foot Journey, a feel-good movie about culinary passions dividing and uniting Indian immigrants and their French counterparts.  The movie was full of tantalizing sights of Indian and French cuisine, leaving us hungry for the spices of the Orient.  And no, not Portland Curry, please.

As we walked out of the theater toward the bus station, we heard Indian music playing nearby.  We crossed the street and suddenly we were in the midst of the annual Portland Indian Festival.

The food looked amazing and we enjoyed the festival, but with no real place to sit and eat, we settled for a souvenir jar of local organic ghee and hopped on a bus to try out the restaurant Bollywood Theatre.

Holy cow, this place is so AMAZING!  It’s unlike any Indian restaurant I’ve been to.

SUPER HIT: Beets roasted with coconut milk and curry leaves

SUPER HIT: Vada Pav, a spicy potato dumpling dipped in chickpea batter and fried. Served on a roll with chutneys. The “Poor Man’s Burger” of Mumbai. The sweet and spiced coconut on the side was extraordinary.

SUPER HIT: Some kind of paratha wrap with chicken and other delicious stuff (I didn’t write down the name and can’t seem to find it on the online menu). One of the awesome food highlights of the trip!

HIT: Pork Vindaloo with saffron rice, sambar, dal (lentils), raita, paratha (tortilla-like deliciousness) and green chutney

After Bollywood, we waddled next door to one of Portland’s most famous ice cream shops, Salt and Straw.  The flavors are all slightly bizarre, including “bone marrow with smoked bourbon cherries,” which sounds repulsive to me.  I chose almond brittle with salted ganache and honey balsamic strawberry with cracked pepper, and Simon had the strawberry and coffee bourbon.

HIT: Ice cream from Salt and Straw.

 

Day Five: Last call!

In our last full day in Portland, we had to check out Tasty n Sons, where the weekend brunch wait was over an hour.  We arrived promptly at their opening time of 9 AM and quickly realized why this place is so popular.  Wow.

SUPER HIT: Potatoes Bravas with over-easy eggs and aioli. So simple, yet so great. And a generous serving for $7.

SUPER HIT: Fried egg, bacon and cheese on a cheddar biscuit. This biscuit was the best I’ve ever eaten. Truly divine!

MISS: Chocolate potato doughnut with crème anglaise. Sorry, Tasty n Sons, but your other amazing dishes made this one just “meh.”

For our last Portland lunch we felt we had to give the food pod another try, so this time we chose Korean.  It was a massive serving of delicious spicy pork, rice, noodles, salad and kimchi food for only $7.  YES!

HIT: Spicy Korean pork, glass noodles, kimchi and salad with rice

After lunch we were powered up for a trek up to the Japanese Garden and International Rose Test Garden.

SUPER HIT: Sriracha. And Portland’s world-famous Japanese garden.

For dinner Monday we asked David where he’d like to go to celebrate his birthday.  He chose Park Kitchen, a beautiful little restaurant near a park downtown.  We ordered a series of small plates to share.  Yum yum!

HIT: Amuse bouche of heirloom tomatoes, beans and mustard vinaigrette.

HIT: E.Z Orchards Hard Apple Cider, on the house in honor of the birthday boy!

MISS: Salt cod fritters with malt vinegar. They were fine, but not enough to get a “hit” in my book.

HIT: Ken’s bread, Park Kitchen crackers, and handmade butter.  Crackers were more like savory cookies though.

MISS: Summer tomato salad with Genovese cured pork. This would have been fabulous if the dressing didn’t consist of melted (and later coagulated) pork fat. I prefer my pork fat be disguised in my food, thank you.

HIT: Lamb meatballs, green peppers, cattle beans, and mint.

MISS: Ayer’s Creek cornmeal pasta, braised pork shoulder, and zucchini. It was fine, but it had a slightly undercooked texture.

HIT: Buttermilk panna cotta, Bairds peaches, bourbon, candied pecans.  This was almost a “miss” in my book, as the thick layer of clear gelatin on top was rather uncalled for.

MISS: Summer berry bread pudding with house made ricotta. I am calling this a miss because it was not really bread pudding but a wet cake. And it needed more sugar to balance the tartness of everything going on.

Day Six: Home sweet home and reunited with our son!

I officially love Portland.  It’s a fabulous city with great character and awesome food, and Simon and I have decided we want to go back as often as we can afford to.  We highly recommend Bollywood Theater, Tasty n Sons, food pods and just exploring the city’s culinary treasures.  After a quick breakfast burrito and a heartfelt farewell to one of the coolest cities in the U.S., we made it to our plane and flew home, eagerly anticipating hugging our amazing son.  I have to add one culinary highlight, this little bag of mini graham crackers provided by Southwest Airlines, which I eagerly devoured as a seeing-eye dog nuzzled into my feet.  Life is good.

 

Toddler Haikus

Inspired by and in honor of my absolutely amazing two-year-old son!

 

A beautiful day

With Daniel Tiger and friends

In the neighborhood.

Sometimes I’m amazed

At how many blueberries

He can put away

No outfit’s complete

Without his straw fedora

To make people smile

What two-year-old likes

Sparkling mineral water?

He’s got refined taste

---

Fubbles rock my world.

Greatest invention ever:

Bubbles that don’t spill.

---

He’s bursting with joy

Bouncing, giggling on the bed

Such a happy boy

Watering plants is

Almost as fun as watering

Dad’s chalk creations

---

Selfies aren’t his thing

The front camera makes him scowl

I’m at peace with that.

---

Wading in the pool

He pooped in his swim diaper

And then he sat down.

---

Even if you’re mad

You’re not allowed to hit me

Time for a time out.

---

Remarkable child

He couldn’t be more handsome

Or more amazing

His afternoon naps

Are more valuable than gold

You wake him, you die.

Ear-damaging screams

Turn into giggles and smiles

When he gets his juice

---

New words every day

In English and español

Or his own language

---

Such a steady hand

He drinks out of mason jars

No sippy cup here!

---

Please use your manners.

Get that foot off the table!

Sigh…Fine, just at home.

---

Bibs don’t stand a chance

When you’re dealing with the force

Of a two-year-old

---

I don’t recommend

A rug under the table

Toddlers be messy

Have you seen my son?

He’s invisible again!

Oh, look! There he is!

Barreling toward me

Over and over again

To give me a hug

---

He loves to cuddle with

Panda, Buho, Mao Mao and

Daddy and Papa

---

He’s gotten so big!

Not a baby anymore

Where have two years gone?

Surrounded by love

He’s thriving and blossoming

And I am so proud

To sum it all up

The joy he brings to my life:

Indescribable